


Love Again

by jjokkiri



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: ??? sort of, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Amnesia, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, More tags to be added, Past Abuse, Past Domestic Violence, Past Relationship(s), actually evil, but this is the hurt kihyun fic so, doctor!shownu, dropouts/delinquents too bc i have a thing for that, i think this is it..., minhyuk is evil, there's an almost smut scene in there, wonho gets hurt a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-29
Updated: 2016-09-29
Packaged: 2018-08-18 11:32:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8160689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjokkiri/pseuds/jjokkiri
Summary: Kihyun doesn't understand why everything so perfect turned out like this.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is the _hurt Kihyun_ work that I've been hyping. It's probably not as great as I made it out to be, but hey: I promised to hurt Kihyun. No Lee Minhyuks or Shin Hoseoks were harmed in the making of this work of fiction; Yoo Kihyuns on the other hand... 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy!

 

“Yoo Kihyun, marry me,” Shin Hoseok whispered into his boyfriend’s dark hair, arms wrapped tightly around his waist as Kihyun leaned against him. They’re sprawled on the sofa and watching a terrible horror movie and Kihyun raises a disinterested eyebrow when Hoseok’s voice cuts through the dull buzzing from the television, sleepily burying his face into the crook of Hoseok’s neck.

“Mm?” Kihyun mumbled. He hadn’t heard him, not paying enough attention to his surroundings to really even take in the fact that Hoseok had been talking to him, “What’d you say?”

With fond eyes which are quickly disguised when he closes his eyes, Hoseok ran his fingers through Kihyun’s hair and leaned his forehead against the side of Kihyun’s head, affectionately. He’s been thinking about it for a while——just fleeting thoughts about wanting to tie them down and legally call Kihyun his. It's June; Hoseok is twenty-six and Kihyun is twenty-five, it's about time. They don’t need paperwork to prove their love, but he just has absent thoughts about how he never wants to lose Kihyun to anyone while he’s still alive.

Because if it isn’t Kihyun, then he doesn’t want anyone else.

“Marry me,” Hoseok repeated, pressing a gentle kiss to the younger man’s temple and Kihyun takes his sweet time to answer. But, it isn’t nerve wracking or anything of the sort——Hoseok knows that if Kihyun doesn’t want something, then he’d immediately push the idea away. Kihyun is just dragging time onwards to tease him——but, he doesn’t mind waiting. He’d wait an eternity just to hear Kihyun’s sweet voice.

Five years in a relationship with this man, Kihyun knows that Hoseok is impulsive and he does everything without thinking. This might not be entirely impulsive, but it reminds him of when he first met Hoseok and the older man was just getting himself into troublesome fights all around campus. And to think that a few years later, he’d be madly in love with that same man. It brings sweet memories to his mind; with an amused smile on his lips, he tilted his head to look at the other man, “Do I get a ring?”

“Yeah,” Hoseok answered, “Say yes and I'll buy you a ring.”

Kihyun laughed and the sound is breathless and his eyes are on Hoseok: fond and bright, despite his exhaustion, “Then yes, I will marry you.”

They don't kiss to celebrate the agreement and plans. They just smile softly at one another with bright eyes that look forward to somewhere far in the future (but Kihyun knows that Hoseok is going to try his luck when they curl into bed, later). They've always been that couple that doesn't need to do much; doesn't need to say much, because they just _know_.

The proposal itself is far from romantic, because there’s no extravagant gesture of taking him out to dinner and there isn’t an exquisite reveal of a ring that Hoseok spent months searching for. There isn't an extreme set-up because they've always had a silent agreement that if they did get married, Hoseok would be the one to propose. It's nothing special. But, it doesn’t need to be, because Kihyun knows how much he loves him and this is so _them_.

And this is what Kihyun loves about them. About Hoseok.

They're not perfect but they're exactly what they both want, what they both _need_. They fight and make up, but they know that they'd be lost without one another. It's not dependency; it's being so in love that they'd rather not, so they don't. And they'll always work things out, no matter how bad things get.

“Hoseok?” Kihyun mumbled, burying his face back into the taller man's chest as the horror movie flashed a brutal murder scene. Neither of them are paying attention to the movie, because right now all that matters is one another, and Hoseok hummed, letting Kihyun know he was listening. “I love you.”

There’s a small smile on Hoseok’s lips, because Kihyun doesn’t say it often: he knows Hoseok knows. But, it’s always sweet to hear and the blond relished in the fleeting moments that Kihyun tells him. The moment is sweet, so Kihyun can see Hoseok holding back the urge to flash a shit-eating grin at him——and he’s glad he succeeds.

“I love you, too.”

 

 

 

That was three months ago.

They’re not getting along as well, three months later, when they’re trying their very best to cope with everything surrounding them. Hoseok’s little brother is graduating soon and he can’t make it, because he has a business meeting that has been rescheduled a million times over, so he’s easily irritable. Kihyun is stressed out because Hoseok isn’t ever home when he needs him to be and they’re drifting from one another to the point that it’s getting annoying to see one another around the apartment, when it used to be everything they’d wait for.

It’s the stress from planning the wedding piling up on them and they’re thinking that it might have been better to just hire a wedding planner——it would have saved Kihyun the headaches of calculating all the fees and practically planning this wedding alone, because Hoseok is hardly ever around anymore, while balancing a full-time job as the manager of a coffee shop down the street. Maybe, they should have waited a little longer, but it seemed that all the problems arose when everything looked like it was perfect.

It wasn’t like they haven’t had problems before, but Kihyun knows that Hoseok is stressed out, so he tries not to say anything that might trigger the older man’s irritation. But, Kihyun has to talk about his problems, else they pile up and explode. Hoseok knew that, but when they’re both entirely too stressed out, he couldn’t manage to listen to Kihyun’s problems, too.

They suddenly develop a lack of communication, despite being still so in love and holding so much trust for one another. But, when Hoseok returns to the apartment, he buries himself into the sheets and falls asleep until Kihyun undresses him and puts him in more comfortable clothing. He wakes up without a terrible crick in his neck, but the cycle starts all over again and every single day becomes so repetitive.

Everything that repeats itself continuously has a breaking point.

Kihyun stood in the doorway of the kitchen as Hoseok walked into their shared home, looking exhausted and throwing his belongings onto the floor. Kihyun knows that they’ve just fallen into a comfortable pattern of Hoseok littering his belongings and Kihyun cleaning up after him, but he isn’t his housekeeper. He’s tired of it. Maybe, just because the shop had been busy and they’d had more than a few unfavourable customers and it’s all just transferring over to his mental state of being——because Kihyun’s never really complained about this, before.

“Could you maybe not throw your shit everywhere?” Kihyun questioned, irritated. It seems that one thing really builds on another, and Hoseok hasn’t had the best of days, either. They never speak so harshly to one another, even when they’re angry. But, there are exceptions, even if it isn’t for the better.

“Why the fuck are you mad?” Hoseok hissed, tugging his tie away from his neck and throwing it on the sofa.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Kihyun answered, dryly with withering eyes lingering on his fiancé and the hand which had placed his tie down, “Maybe because you’re never around anymore, and every single time you come home, you make a mess?”

It flipped a switch in either of them and Hoseok turned to look at him, eyes quizzical but there’s an underlying glow of annoyance, “I’ve got work to do. At least I’m making money for us. All you’re doing is complaining. You always just complain. You don’t even know how hard it was for me to get this job and fuckin’ keep it, because everyone judges me for who I was!”

And it escalates from there, way too quickly and way too heated. The brunette stormed towards the taller man, eyes dark, “Are you saying I don’t fucking do anything for us? I helped you find that damn job! I pay two-thirds of all the bills we get in this house and I do _all_ the housework——you talk like you actually do shit! You always bring your past into things whenever we argue, because you think I’m going to take pity on you like I did six years ago!”

He would never talk to Hoseok like this, had he not been so angry. But, anger blinds you and it makes you say things you never would. His mother had always told him to never open his mouth when he was angry, because he might ruin everything that he’s ever worked for. It burns in the pit of his stomach: the building aggravation, and it skyrockets while his tone raises as he speaks and when his eyes meet with Hoseok’s is when it bursts.

“Why did we even get engaged, if you’re going to be like this?” Kihyun shouted, throwing a cushion at the wall in frustration.

Hoseok visibly recoiled at the statement and a flicker of regret crossed his eyes——maybe from ignoring Kihyun, all this time when he should have been loving him right. Maybe from yelling at the younger man. Maybe from something else, or maybe from regretting his words from three months ago, but Kihyun might never know, because every little thing Hoseok did in the moment fueled his anger.

The blond brushed past him and picked up the cushion, pushing it into Kihyun’s arms, “Stop making a mess. I’m going for a smoke.”

 

 

 

Within half an hour, Kihyun has calmed himself significantly and he just wants to see his fiancé again. Maybe hold him in his arms and apologize for yelling at him. Apologize for being inconsiderate, because it isn't exactly Hoseok's fault, and it wasn't like Hoseok completely lived off of him. He did things, Kihyun knew that, but he’d been angry and irrational. He says irrational things when he’s angry and they both knew that——it’s not a part of his personality that he’s proud of.

He gives Hoseok the time he needs alone, because Hoseok rarely ever smokes anymore and when he does, he leaves the house for less than half an hour then comes back. Because Hoseok calms down when the cigarette burns out and then he heads home to loving arms and Kihyun kisses that taste out of his mouth, when they make up.

Because they're so in love and they just can't stay angry at one another, no matter how unrealistic it sounds. Kihyun supposes it's the perks of being made for one another.

But, an hour passes and Kihyun is curled up on the sofa, waiting for Hoseok to walk through the door. Hoseok doesn't pick up the one call Kihyun dials to him, so he doesn't try again: he gives Hoseok more time. An hour turns into two, and Kihyun's initial spark of worry sets fire to his mind and he's panicking, but he's praying he's just being silly——just thinking about the worst, unnecessarily——and Hoseok is going to walk through the door any second.

His thoughts shatter when his cell phone rings, riffs of a guitar destroying his thoughts and Kihyun blinked at the unknown number on the screen, before picking up.

“Hello, Yoo Kihyun speaking?”

“Hello, this is the Emergency Unit at the Seoul General Hospital calling. This number was listed in the contacts of our patient, identified as Shin Hoseok, as his fiancé. Are we contacting the correct person?”

Kihyun's blood runs cold.

 

 

 

The hospital is cold and empty, but the tears streaking down Kihyun's cheeks are hot. The walls surrounding them are white and it's intimidating: Hoseok looks washed out against the white sheets; pale and motionless. It drives panic to every single nerve of Kihyun's body and his eyes are red: practically bloodshot from the hours he's spent crying by Hoseok's side.

It's been three hours since he arrived at the hospital and it's just barely past one in the morning. He begged the nurse to let him stay, through teary eyes, telling them that if he doesn't have Hoseok, then there's nothing else he's got. They hadn't given in, but a doctor watching over Hoseok had taken pity on him and relented. They told him that they didn't have any extra blankets or pillows for him to stay the night, but with grateful whispers, he insisted that all he needed was to be by his fiancé’s side.

Hoseok's hand is cold in his, but Kihyun's fingers gently clasp around it and he holds it to his mouth, eyes closed. He pressed a soft kiss to the tips of his fingers and exhales softly, eyes trained on the heart monitor on the other side of the bed. It's the only thing keeping him calm; Hoseok's steady heart rate telling him that the love of his life was still alive.

“Hoseok, I'm so sorry,” he whispered, his voice shaking, “I shouldn't have snapped at you. I shouldn't have just let you leave like that. I should have gone after you. I wish our last conversation before all of this wasn't an argument, dammit. I wish I could just do something to make you wake up; tell you I love you. I'm so sorry, Hoseok.”

He has bandages around his head, and to Kihyun's knowledge, a couple stitches underneath the mess of blond locks. The tips of his hair are still stained a slight orange and Kihyun doesn't want to think about the amount of blood that could have caused that. The doctor told him that the witness who brought Hoseok in had said that it was a hit-and-run, when Hoseok was crossing the street and seemingly headed home. The light had been red for the driver and green for Hoseok, but the speeding car hadn’t stopped in time when they’d seen Hoseok, dressed all in black.

“It seems the impact wasn't too severe to his head and we're going to need to continue to monitor it,” the doctor, Son Hyunwoo, had told Kihyun when he was calm enough to listen. “Blood loss is minimal, as the witness found watched the scene unfold and brought him here as quickly as possible.”

Kihyun misses Hoseok's smile. He misses looking at his bright eyes. But, Hoseok is lying motionless, and his chest barely heaves with every breath he takes. It makes his heart sink and he's dying to see Hoseok's eyes open. He’s dying for the moment his fiancé shows more signs of life than just the steady beeping in the room, and it’s slowly driving him mad.

He's cried his eyes dry by the time the clock on the wall strikes three o’clock. The nurses file into the room and tell Kihyun that he needs to wait outside while they're doing necessary checkups on Hoseok. He doesn't want to leave, but they force him to.

Outside the room, Kihyun has nothing to occupy himself and his mind continuously treads the worst. Nervous fingers fiddle with his cellphone and he scrolls through his contacts, hoping to find someone to speak to; to calm his nerves and assure him that everything was going to be alright.

His finger lingers on his best friend's name and his mind quickly moves: _what time was it in America?_

Intending to call his best friend, Lim Changkyun, who had moved to the States within the past two years (for the sake of a three year work exchange), Kihyun searched up the time difference from Korea. He deems that 4:37 PM on a Thursday was a reasonable time to call, and his finger swipes the name. Dark eyes watch the box turn green and then pop up a dialling screen.

Changkyun picked up quickly, familiar voice greeting him with a thicker accent than he remembered, _“Last time you called me, you ended up complaining about your phone bill. Hi.”_

_Leave it to Changkyun to make him smile a little, even in the darkest of times._

“But, last time I called you, I wasn’t crying my eyes out and my fiancé wasn't in the emergency unit at the hospital,” Kihyun answered, trying not to sound too bitter, but his voice is still raw from having cried for the past hours.

Immediate panic rose in Changkyun's voice on the other line, _“Hoseok? What happened to him? Why is he in the emergency room?”_

Cue the tears again, and Kihyun is inhaling sharply as he iterated the story to his best friend: from the moment they started lacking communication until the second Hoseok came home; the argument; the instant he received the phone call from the hospital.

He'd thought he couldn't cry anymore, but he proved himself wrong all too quickly.

When he's done, Changkyun has little to say, because how were you supposed to respond in moments like this? The younger man could be heard inhaling on the other end and there are encouraging words; assurance that everything was going to be fine, eventually. Changkyun has always been good with being short and sweet.

The nurses are leaving Hoseok's room, several minutes later and Kihyun exhaled in relief, because they're chattering about potential quick recovery——Kihyun brushed off the sense of familiarity that washed over him when his eyes briefly met with one of the nurses..

“Hey, I'm going to go back inside with him, okay?” Kihyun said, quietly. “Thanks, Kyun. I really do feel a little lighter.”

_“No problem. Always here for you.”_

The call ends there and Kihyun is eternally grateful for a friend like that. The only thing that could make everything better though was his fiancé waking up from the shock induced slumber.

But that night, Hoseok doesn't wake up. So, they become as inseparable as they had been when they first started dating and Kihyun uncomfortably falls asleep next to him with their fingers intertwined and his cheeks still stained with tear tracks.

Because he's praying for a miracle.

 

 

 

Chances and luck; Kihyun has plenty of it. Finding success in starting in his own coffee shop with a bunch of friends and having the brains to manage all of that; he’d say he was born lucky and that he’d done things at the right time.

Meeting Shin Hoseok had been by complete chance, because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. But, when he looked back at it, it might have been the right place at the right time, because he's so in love and that was all luck, too.

He remembers it clearly.

A warm summer night found eighteen year old Kihyun walking back to his boarding dorm in his senior year of high school, from the library. He happened to hear the sound of dry heaving from an alleyway. And perhaps, he should have been much more cautious than to approach the sound, but his curiosity got the better of him and he walked in that direction.

Turning the corner, he still remembers the figure of a boy crouched over and leaning all his weight against the brick wall, as if he couldn't keep himself upright. Kihyun had recognized the uniform worn on the other as one from his school, and something overtook his mind (likely his urge to help people, because of the nature of his intended career path as a nurse): he rushed over.

“Are you okay?” It’s all he said before the boy winced and glared at him, but there was really no point in glaring at Kihyun, because he wasn’t harmful. “Don’t look at me like that, I’m trying to be helpful.”

“You’re not going to be helpful in the middle of an empty alleyway,” came the retort and Kihyun took mild offense to it, before stubbornly insisting that the other come back to his dorm with him for him to tend to the wounds.

Under the brighter lights of his dorm, once they’d stumbled to safety, Kihyun could see clear bruises and cuts on the other’s visage but he’s cute if they hadn’t been present. There’s a charm with the scratches and scars, however. Kihyun could also see the name tag attached to the uniform, glinting briefly under the light——it says Shin Hoseok, but Kihyun decided to not refer to him by name until they’ve properly introduced themselves to one another.

“Do you always take random men home?” Hoseok’s voice was harsh and Kihyun’s eyes flickered up at him, but he didn’t answer to the implications, before he pushed him onto the sofa and ran to get his first-aid kit. He returned to the other’s side, making quick work of tending to the injuries on his face.

“Why didn’t you go to the school nurse?” Kihyun asked, quietly dabbing a cotton swab of disinfectant to the wounds.

“Don’t wanna see my ex,” Hoseok answered, rolling his eyes. “He’s the stupid school nurse’s assistant.”

“That’s a stupid reason to not get treated. You’re lucky that I’m one of those stupid school nurse assistants,” Kihyun remarked, glaring at the other (but his mind quickly scans through the list of people registered as assistants to the school nurse during the later hours, because he only worked mornings). Hoseok hissed when Kihyun pressed the cotton swab down a little too roughly.

“It stings,” Hoseok grumbled and Kihyun held his face in place with a gentle hand, eyebrows furrowed in concentration.

“It’s your fault for getting hurt. Be grateful that they’re being treated, because if I wasn’t nice enough to do this, then maybe no one would have found you, and then they’ll get infected and get all nasty and eat away at your face. See how much that hurts, then.” he retorted, slightly annoyed at the complaints. There was the hints of a smile curling on Hoseok’s lips, but when he noticed, he quickly straightened his expression again.

“... Does that really happen?” Hoseok’s voice came and Kihyun paused, blinking at him.

“What? The painful infections?” Hoseok nodded. “... no, I’m just really annoyed because you keep complaining, and I’m making things up to hopefully scare you into sitting still.” Kihyun admitted, and then Hoseok’s laughing.

Kihyun likes the sound——it’s kind of addicting and a smile danced across his lips. He lets Hoseok stay in the living room, but he’s gone when Kihyun wakes up the next morning. Still, Kihyun heads off to the school and enters the nurse’s office, preparing for his shift——he makes sure to quickly glance at the schedule sheet to figure out who had been working the previous night, because he’s randomly curious as to who Hoseok’s ex had been.

There were fleeting moments of meeting Hoseok, again and again. And it took Kihyun weeks to realize that the reason he had never met someone who was in the same study year as him was that said someone was never in class. He’d tended to the wounds of a delinquent, and he found that out when he walked out to the field for some fresh air, only to be caught in the middle of a fist fight and Hoseok had caught a fist from impacting into Kihyun's innocent visage.

A knight in shining armor kind of scene, but Hoseok caught himself in more trouble and Kihyun repaid him by tending to his wounds and making him dinner. Hoseok grew a liking to him and they began to get closer, because Kihyun didn't care who Hoseok was: he liked him easily.

And Kihyun learned about Hoseok's past: works on getting him to focus more on his schoolwork so they can graduate together, because Hoseok was only in his year for having been held back a year; works on getting Hoseok to stop starting stupid fights; and as a side project, works on getting him to fall in love with him.

Hoseok told him everything, on dark nights when they're done taking their university entrance exams and they're sitting on the roof of Kihyun's dorm. He told him about entering high school; wanting to drop out; meeting his ex-boyfriend and thinking he was in love; hardships of relationships and the downsides of dating a boy named Lee Minhyuk.

Hoseok also pushed Kihyun down against the concrete ground and pressed their lips together in a gentle kiss. And that's not where _they_ begin.

And Kihyun never actually meets Lee Minhyuk until after they’ve all graduated; when they're twenty, and Kihyun's given up on his nursing degree in favour of working towards opening a coffee shop and he’s been dating Shin Hoseok for two months. It's a fleeting memory, and all he remembers is a jealous gaze in their direction.

 

 

 

Three days. Hoseok stayed motionless for three entire days, and Kihyun stayed by his side for a good majority of it. There were moments where Kihyun pressed a desperate kiss to his fiancé's forehead and excused himself to leave for work, just for a few hours and then he’d return to the hospital and assume his position right beside Hoseok's bed.

It came as a twitch of his fingers and Kihyun’s heart raced and then a quiet gasp of air. Kihyun scrambled out of his seat, running into the hallway as he heard footsteps approaching.

“Doctor! He's waking up!” he informed, as much as he would like all the time to just the two of them.

Hyunwoo turned into the room and they both watched as the love of his life rose from his deep slumber. Kihyun's heart exploded with relief and he felt like crying; tears teasing the corners of his eyes, but not yet falling.

The doctor spoke first, conducting quick physical checks on the just awoken man. Kihyun reluctantly stood to the side, anticipating, as the doctor had instructed. It's when the doctor tells him that everything looks fine and Hoseok's vitals are stable, Kihyun took a seat next to his lover, eyes glossed over with the potential of falling tears.

They actually fall as soon as he opens his mouth and takes Hoseok’s hand in his own, every drop burning tracks down his cheeks and his words incoherently bursting from his lips in desperate whispers, “Hoseok, you idiot. You scared me so much, I thought I was going to lose you for real. I didn't know what I was going to do, I was so scared. But, I’m so glad you’re awake; I was terrified. I’m so sorry we fought, baby. _I didn’t mean it, I’m sorry._ ”

The blond blinked at him slowly, as the tears fell from Kihyun's eyes and he tilted his head a little bit.

There's a light of confusion in Hoseok's eyes, and Kihyun's sure he doesn't remember the accident and doesn't know why he was in the hospital. The dark room, lit by sunshine, seemed to provoke confusion——because it certainly struck questions in Kihyun, the first time he found himself in the small room, watching the love of his life be strapped up to countless machines.

Hoseok's plush lips part slightly as he's about to speak and he kept his eyes trained on Kihyun's visage. His anticipation has everything around him moving in slow motion: if Hoseok were a gun, then maybe his words were the fatal bullets that soundly ricochet throughout a room before striking Kihyun.

_“Who are you?”_

And if Kihyun's world were fragile and made of glass then, with three words, everything came shattering down to his feet.

 

 

 

“I don’t understand,” Kihyun gripped at his sleeves, eyes still red from having cried for straight hours with only timid consolation from a man who claimed to not know who he was.

Initially, he’d assumed that the blond was playing a cruel joke on him, but he knew when Hoseok was joking——there was a light in his eyes that gave him away. But, the light as absent and Kihyun had desperately searched his eyes from some indication of the words to be a sick, _sick_ joke. Yet, when Hoseok withdrew his hand away from Kihyun’s and his eyes reflected genuine confusion, Kihyun could hear his heart shattering into pieces.

The doctor stood across from him, in the blank hallway just outside of Hoseok’s hospital room, and offered a hand on his shoulder, as an attempt to comfort, “During diagnosis, we missed reviewing the potential percentages for Mr. Shin to have experienced traumatic impact,” he told him. Kihyun was shaking and hardly even standing straight, but he was listening——though, trying to convince himself that this as all fake. _It couldn’t have been real._ “The percentages reported by the assessment department shows that there was only a 15% chance that such concussion would cause post-traumatic amnesia,” he continued, “It seems that the worst case scenario has come true and this is the reason why Mr. Shin does not recall who you are, Mr. Yoo. I’m sorry.”

Kihyun held wiped his tears with his sleeves and it leaves red streaks on his cheeks from the pressure. He's too exhausted from crying to recall what he'd learned in his years of studying health. Post-traumatic amnesia——he remembers having an exam on something relating to it, years ago but all he knows is that this is a _nightmare_.

Hyunwoo was in the middle of explaining something to him, but he wasn't listening anymore. His mind was filled with _what ifs_ and the fear of losing Hoseok. Just three days ago, they were to be married. Just three days ago, they were damaged but not broken beyond repaired. Just three days ago, Hoseok knew who he was and loved him unconditionally.

“Will he ever remember?” Kihyun managed, his pride crushed with how broken and pitiful he sounded.

“Post-traumatic amnesia is curable in time; it’s the mind pushing out traumatic memories and similar associations,” Hyunwoo told him, going on to explain why it may seem as though the blond couldn’t remember anything that may have been classified as _bitter and bad_ memories and the potential to fail in recognizing important people in his life, before realizing that Kihyun wasn't listening to him at all. “You have to trigger his memory slowly, because if you push too much, it might stress his brain out and he'll lose those memories forever.”

All that stuck in Kihyun’s mind was the first few words. Traumatic memories: _what had he done? Why was he forgotten?_

“Time,” Kihyun repeated, blankly. _How long do I have to wait?_

 

 

 

Kihyun found himself sitting by Hoseok's side once more, later that day. The blond was awake and Kihyun was feeding him yogurt, because that was the only thing that the hospital had to offer him. Hoseok blinked curiously when Kihyun refused the blueberry flavored yogurt, insisting that Hoseok wouldn't eat it: the knowledge of facts surprised him.

“So, who did you say you were again?” Hoseok asked with a mouthful of yogurt. Kihyun made a face, but placed the container down.

 _Your fiancé_ , he wanted to say, but Hyunwoo had warned him about trying too hard to trigger memories that weren't coming to Hoseok. So, with a heavy heart, Kihyun offered a weak smile and very quiet words, “Someone who loves you.”

Surprise flourished on the blond’s visage and he tilted his head, curiously, but before he can ask anything else, Kihyun interrupted him, “Do you remember anything at all?”

Hoseok furrowed his eyebrows, “I don't think I'm forgetting anything very significant, except... well, you. I don't remember anything about you, sorry. You seemed really upset about that.”

“... Yeah...” Kihyun let his voice trail off and he tore his eyes away from the blond for a moment. The correct term was _heartbroken_ , but Hoseok didn't need to know that.

And he can't believe that he had to pretend the past five years didn't happen.

“You live with me,” Kihyun remarked and Hoseok looked at him.

“I do?”

That was another dagger to his heart, “Yes; we've been living together for the past two years. We co-signed a lease together in an apartment somewhere near here, in January of 2014.”

Hoseok raised suspicious eyebrows, “I don't even know you, though. How am I supposed to believe you?”

Another few daggers.

Fingers shakily fumbling with his wallet, Kihyun withdrew his driver's license from his wallet and handed Hoseok his wallet, “Find your identification card. It should be in the third pocket of the left side.”

Hoseok stared at him, “Did you go through my things?”

“We literally share everything. We've been together for five years,” Kihyun exclaimed, but he immediately regretted it when the blond’s eyes darkened a little.

“Been together?” Hoseok murmured, though obediently pulling out his driver's license and handing it to Kihyun. The brunette held them together and showed them to Hoseok, ignoring the inquiry because it clearly triggered nothing but immense confusion.

“Look, same address. Both of these cards were reissued in 2014, when we submitted our requests to change address,” Kihyun told him, and he can't believe that there came a day when Hoseok didn't believe him when he was talking basic facts about _them_. “Yoo Kihyun, Shin Hoseok.”

“... So, I'm living with you. You're kind of cute,” Hoseok said, “Kind of my type. You know, if I didn't have a boyfriend, that is.”

Kihyun froze and turned to him in horror: “What?”

Just then, a nurse knocked on the door and entered the room. Suddenly, familiarity struck him as absolutely too much and his heart felt like it was being punctured by a thousand needles when Hoseok's expression brightened peacefully; he suddenly recognized the visage of the man he had seen a few days prior.

_Lee Minhyuk._

“Babe, you work here?” came Hoseok's voice.

And whatever was left of Kihyun's heart smashed itself to dust.

 

 

 

Kihyun could never, would never, forgive the way Lee Minhyuk looked surprised at the addressing before his eyes brightened in realization, looking between Kihyun and Hoseok, and answered with a smothering sweet tone. It made Kihyun sick. It made him sick that someone could so easily lie through their teeth to someone who couldn't remember.

There was a story that Kihyun knew too well behind Hoseok and Minhyuk; the story of a first love, maybe. But, it was something enough for a delinquent of a student like Hoseok to have cowered away from the other man. Lee Minhyuk was everything that he didn’t seem——sweet and innocent until one pulled strings with his anger. The damage one could press against someone with _that_ much confidence and pride in themselves——Kihyun couldn’t wrap his fingers around the entire idea, but he’d wrapped his arms around Hoseok and promised that they’d be together and _everything would be alright_.

He wouldn't ever forgive Minhyuk for touching Hoseok's cheek gently, now, the same way that Kihyun did, on nights when Hoseok couldn't sleep from all of his haunting nightmares. And the way they fell into conversation, though Minhyuk had vanished from Hoseok’s side for a good seven years, now.

He knew nothing.

All of it unfolded right before his eyes and between seething anger and his rationality, he curled his fingers into fists. His knuckles turned white from the pressure and he grit his teeth; but Minhyuk turned to him with sly eyes, before turning back to Hoseok.

Between a lover and someone who had ruined you; Kihyun thought that it would be much easier to recall memories with someone who loved you entirely. Unfortunately, Hoseok recalling his first relationship instead of their five year relationship crushed him hard. His heart clenched and he couldn't find his words. His heart ached and his fingernails dug crescent shaped cuts into his palms.

_How dare he?_

The brunette grabbed Minhyuk's wrist and dragged him outside of the hospital room without a word, despite Hoseok's outburst of confusion. His eyes burned with hatred, and it's jealousy over all else (hurt, heartbreak, betrayal): _because how did Hoseok remember someone who treated him so poorly, over someone who had done nothing but love him unconditionally?_

“What do you think you're doing, Lee Minhyuk?” Kihyun hissed, when they’re out of Hoseok’s earshot, and the other man looked down at him, smug.

And he wanted to throw a punch at that pretty face. His fist clenched and his blood flowed through his body laced with rage, before Minhyuk spoke, “Hit me, Yoo Kihyun. Give me your best shot. But, you wouldn't want to upset Hoseok, would you, Kihyun?” Minhyuk questioned, his tone sounding overbearingly condescending and the brunette grit his teeth, lowering his fist.

Minhyuk’s pretty fingers grasped onto his wrist and the nurse offered him a smirk before turning away; a slender finger tapped against the titanium ring on Kihyun’s left fourth finger, “I thought so. But, that’s a cute ring. It’s too bad, isn’t it?”

And under any other circumstance, Kihyun would have snapped, but this was regarding Hoseok——this was all riding on their memories and whether or not Hoseok would remember him or not. It smashed his entire mental plan of _‘I made you fall in love with me, once; I can do it again’_. Because Hoseok didn’t even know who he was, but he firmly believed in the man standing in front of Kihyun to being his significant other.

The pain scorched him and he turned on his heel, walking away from Minhyuk——away from Hoseok——because his heart clenched with inexplicable pain and he needed to at least _breathe_ , if he wasn’t going to feel the strong arms of the love of his life wrapped around him, again.

 

 

 

Kihyun blamed himself——he blamed himself for their last conversation being a fight, and he blamed that for the reason that Hoseok, after everything, didn’t remember who he was. Blank eyes looked at him, and it was like reintroducing himself to the other man; little things that reminded him of them had Hoseok raising an eyebrow whenever he smiled at them (the look on his face never failed to wipe the smile away from Kihyun’s face).

He’s _devastated_ to say the least, and even conversations on the phone with Changkyun don’t really help him calm down. Simply because Kihyun is drowning in his own thoughts and he doesn’t know how he’s really supposed to cope with everything, and Changkyun can’t offer him any advice because he’s never gone through something of such sorts.

He’s in every way _alone_.

And he found himself in tears, every few hours——his mind never strayed very far from Hoseok and everyone at work noticed a little too quickly. Moments where Kihyun just vanished from the kitchen and then returned, ten minutes later with his eyes puffy and red, though his head remained downcast.

Chae Hyungwon, Kihyun’s assistant manager and head cashier, was the first to say something about it. He pulled him to the storage room in the middle of their break and his eyes were concerned, despite their usual playful fighting and temper tantrums that they throw at one another. It was genuine concern reflecting in Hyungwon’s eyes and Kihyun couldn’t help but feel worse, because he was letting it affect his work——and he was carrying a bunch of other people on his shoulders at the shop.

But, when Kihyun finally found the words to spill out the entire story, Hyungwon pulled him into a comforting embrace and sighed softly, “It’s all going to get better,” he promised.

Kihyun didn’t know what to believe, but he burst into tears once more, holding onto Hyungwon and desperately believing in his words. Because, he had nothing else to believe in, if not that.

The hospital contacted Kihyun as soon as Hoseok was to be discharged, because every single one of their documents directed to contact one another if anything happened——Hyunwoo looked at Kihyun with sympathy when the brunet walked through the halls of the hospital, later that morning. Hyungwon had immediately pushed Kihyun away from the shop as soon as he’d received the call, asking Kihyun to trust him with taking care of the shop and that Hoseok needed him.

Kihyun wasn’t too sure, but this was the love of his life——so with unsure steps, he headed to the hospital room and offered the blond a small smile. Hoseok was sitting on the edge of the bed, dressed in hospital clothing and Kihyun placed a change of clothes on the bed for the other man.

“You’re getting discharged, today,” he told him, softly.

Hoseok grinned and nodded, glancing at the clothes, “Are these mine?”

Kihyun nodded, “They are. We’ll head home after you change; they had me sign your release documents already.”

The blond watched him for a quiet moment, before Kihyun realized why he was looking. _Right._ Turning around, the brunette sighed——it was as if he hadn’t seen everything that the blond had to offer. But, then again, that was exactly what it was. Hoseok didn’t remember who he was, so there was no way that he could have remembered the little things about them. Overnight, five years suddenly meant nothing to one half of _them_ and Kihyun felt that pang of hurt in his chest again.

There was the rustling sound of clothing and Kihyun waited; “I remembered something new.”

“What is it?” It caught him by surprise and Kihyun turned to look at his fiancé with hopeful eyes.

Hoseok continued his statement as he pulled on the hoodie, “A song. It keeps playing in my head and it's making me want to look for something, but I don't know what.”

“Oh,” Kihyun breathed; he knew exactly what Hoseok was talking about. There was a song, sometime around the time they first met, that Kihyun was learning on the piano; he played with smooth fingers and he often found Hoseok asleep outside the music room (presumably listening to sweet melodies), even he'd leave to head back to his dorm.

They called it their song, several years later. Kihyun silently wondered if his fingers would remember the pattern of dancing fingertips, if he uncovered the keyboard in their den and played; absently hoped that it might trigger more, if he did.

But, the thoughts hurt more than they heal, when Kihyun's eyes meet with Minhyuk's and Hoseok is smiling brightly. A part of him wanted to grab Hoseok and pull him away, but his more rational side kept his head down and quietly ushered Hoseok to the car.

They head back to their shared apartment in silence. Quiet music from the radio played over the silence in the car, breaking the awkward mood between them (and this hurt, too because this was once something _comfortable_ ). When they stood outside the door of their home, Kihyun fiddled with his set of keys, the sight of the couple charms attached to the chain stabbing into his heart.

“That's cute,” Hoseok remarked, poking at the blue coloured charm and Kihyun's lips pressed into a small smile. _You picked them out, of course you'd think it's cute._

“You have the same one,” Kihyun opted to say, instead, when the key finally slipped into the hole. He turned it and pushed the door open, “Yours is pink.”

“Why don't I remember this?”

Kihyun pointed to the keys hanging from the wall, and surely enough, there's a keyset with the identical charm attached. He's anticipating a remark about the colour of the charm and it makes him smile, for real, when it happens.

“That's peach,” Hoseok told him.

They've had this conversation a thousand times over, whether Hoseok remembered it or not. It makes this light of hope foolishly bloom in Kihyun's chest; “It's pink.”

They argue about it for a good few minutes, before Kihyun huffed, giving into not saying anything at all (but, it's definitely pink). Hoseok threw an arm around his shoulder and grinned in victory as a mildly irritated Kihyun handed him back his cell phone, and a bunch of Hoseok's belongings which he'd collected from the hospital.

It's almost like nothing's changed, but everything has.

“What's my passcode?” Hoseok inquired and Kihyun blinked at him. “What? You seem to know a lot about me and my initial guess isn't working.”

“What did you try?”

“0327? Though, I don't know why; it just came to mind.”

Kihyun rolled his eyes, “It's 2703, idiot.” _It's our anniversary._

Obediently, the blond punched in the numbers before looking up at Kihyun, impressed. He locked the device again, almost immediately before he flopped himself down on the couch. Kihyun relished in the moment where everything felt so familiar again.

_So real._

And it breaks when he caught a glimpse of Hoseok scrolling through his contacts, looking terribly confused at the contact names. He paused for a long time, before he scrolled past the entry labeled _‘Fiancé, Yoo Kihyun (Love of my Life)’;_ Kihyun's entry. From where Kihyun stood, he could see Hoseok intending to change the contact name, so he turned on his heel and headed towards the kitchen, unable to bear seeing if Hoseok actually followed through.

He bit down the urge to start crying again.

_At least until he's out of Hoseok's line of sight._

“Hoseok?” Kihyun called.

The blond turned to look at him with an unsure smile, “Yeah?”

“Can you... maybe tell me about everything you remember, as you remember them?”

“Sure, I can do that. I mean, who else would I tell aside from the man I'm going to see every single day?”

There’s a wash of relief over his mind, but everything hurts the same. Simply because he would have been the man Hoseok saw every day for the rest of his life, had everything stayed perfect.

Before he headed to fix them something quick to eat, Kihyun offered the weakest smile he's ever managed in front of the love of his life.

This Hoseok doesn't know the difference.

 

 

 

That night, the bed is colder than it usually was: Hoseok was with him again, but he wasn't in bed next to him with warm arms wrapped around him. _A taken man couldn't get into bed with another_ , Hoseok had insisted, but Kihyun bit back his emotions and refrained from yelling out that _they were to be married_ , and that _Lee Minhyuk broke you apart, what are you doing?_

But, as much as it hurt, there was happiness in Hoseok's eyes when he spoke of Minhyuk. And Kihyun can't find it in himself to say anything more, because Hoseok's happiness meant the world to him.

Even if it brought him pain.

His loneliness showed itself in a million and one different ways, despite everyone swearing to be there for him. But, Hoseok was his pinnacle of hope and that was taken away from him faster than he could blink.

So, he hurt.

That night, the sheets wrapped themselves around Kihyun's petite form and he cried into Hoseok's pillow; inhaling the remnants of his scent and missing the days when they were still perfect as could be.

 

 

 

There's a special kind of pain that came with all of this. There's a unique pain that came with having your lover wake up and not know a single thing about you, and being in love with someone else. It felt something like a tormenting ripple throughout your body; clawing at your chest and slowly dragging sharp nails down. Searing and devastating all at the same time.

And there wasn't a single thing that Kihyun could do about it. A week later, Hoseok still didn't know who he was; not even the slightest clue aside from the little things that Kihyun told him.

They don't sleep on the same bed; they alternate between who sleeps where, and when it's Kihyun's turn to sleep in their room, he found himself curled up in the living room, on the other sofa near Hoseok in the morning, tear tracks still visible.

Just because he slept better knowing the love of his life was there.

Even if not as he was.

The doctor insisted that if Kihyun did small, familiar things, it might speed up the recovery and that pressuring too much on the mind may make things worse. But, Kihyun was impatient and it hurt more than one could imagine; so he was losing hope that recovery might ever happen at all.

His faith in Hoseok suddenly began to tread dangerously close to diminishing.

Coping with the pain proved itself to be a lot harder than it seemed to be. _Forget about it all and think of something else **.**_ It's even more difficult when Kihyun saw him every single day of his life.

They say _love conquers all_ ; Kihyun wished it did.

One day when they're on their break, standing in their secondary kitchen (located in clear view of all the customers, right behind the cash register and only used for decorating pastries with icing and simple tasks), Hyungwon spoke without announcing his arrival and nearly scaring Kihyun half to death, though he should be used to it, considering how often Hyungwon materialized out of thin air.

“Maybe this is your cue to find someone new,” Hyungwon remarked, while Kihyun was busying himself with carefully icing a recently cooled cupcake on the granite counter. His fingers stuttered at the remark and he messed up the streak of icing a little, “I mean, I don't say this a lot because you've got a painful ego. But there's a lot of people who want you.”

Kihyun sighed, eyes not moving from where they focused on icing the cupcake with ribbons of toffee coloured frosting, “And I've told you a million times; I'll say it a million more: I love him, Hyungwon. Only him. And I'll never give up on the love of my life, because he's more than worth it.”

He’s gotten better at swallowing pain. Hyungwon studied him with quiet eyes, and when Kihyun raised his eyes, he caught a glimpse of all-too-familiar blond hair walking by the large window of the shop. _Hoseok_.

_Walking hand in hand with Lee Minhyuk._

Suddenly, Kihyun felt sick to his stomach and he shoved the unfinished cupcake into Hyungwon’s mouth and turned to walk to the main kitchen, leaving Hyungwon in their secondary kitchen.

“Weren't you going to eat it?” Hyungwon asked, mouth full of chocolate coffee and caramel.

“I lost my appetite.”

 

 

 

Kihyun curled into the blankets on the sofa as he watched a random movie streaming on their television, when he heard the doorknob jolt and Hoseok walked into their apartment. Half-hearted, the brunet called out a greeting and it's responded to with a brighter greeting and suddenly, the blond was sitting beside him, grinning.

“What are you watching?” he asked and Kihyun had to pause the movie to figure out the title of the movie.

“50 First Dates,” he answered, though Hoseok could easily read off the screen. The blond made a face. Hoseok has never really liked romantic movies, but Kihyun made him watch them anyway. Not that the blond remembered such occurrences.

“I remember watching that before... isn't that the one with the girl who has anterograde amnesia but some guy's in love with her?”

Kihyun nodded, bringing his eyes towards Hoseok. _Kind of like us, except you have retrograde amnesia and you're not a girl_. “That's the one.”

There was a comfortable silence between them, but it’s different from what Kihyun was used to. His mind trailed back to the earlier hours of the day, and Hyungwon’s words. He’s holding onto the past, when he really shouldn’t be——but, _was there such a harm in doing so?_ Kihyun’s fingers gripped into the cushion; _he didn’t think so_.

“Have you been watching movies all day?” Hoseok asked, and Kihyun’s eyes moved to his meet with the taller man’s visage.

“No, I left for work, early this morning. I just got back a couple hours ago,” Kihyun answered—— _after Hyungwon caught me crying in the back room, because of you and sent me home_.

“How was that?”

“Work? The usual. Typical running a coffee shop slash bakery thing,” Kihyun told him and he tore his eyes away from the blond, because if he looked any longer, he might have done something rash——simply because Hoseok was so, _so_ beautiful.

Interested eyes found Kihyun’s regardless and Hoseok leaned against him, instinctively and Kihyun doesn’t think that Hoseok realized he’d done it at all. But, Kihyun relished in the moment where everything _felt_ like it used to——as if all the pain hadn’t existed at all. But, as soon as Hoseok’s mouth opened, once more, his heart smashed into a thousand more shards.

“You run a coffee shop? Maybe I should take Minhyuk there, some day,” Hoseok said and Kihyun pretended to not feel the way his heart seemed to press the shards deeper into his gut.

“He doesn’t like it, there,” Kihyun answered, quickly, “He’s been before. Doesn’t like it.”

Hoseok frowned, “What? Why? I’m sure anything you do is great——”

“That’s what you always say,” Kihyun murmured.

He’s not as great an actor as he should be, so when he swallowed the bitter feeling in his throat and absently inquired about Hoseok’s day, he immediately regretted it. But, as Hoseok happily spoke about the date he’d been on and all the other cute couple things he’d experienced, Kihyun held back his tears and listened.

 _To think that used to be them_.

That night, it was Hoseok’s turn to sleep in their room, so Kihyun waited until he fell asleep and drank his tears away in the kitchen.

Impossibly alone.

 

 

 

“Are you married?” Hoseok asked, one day when they’re both not working and Kihyun stood in the kitchen, trying out new recipes——because Hoseok insisted that he wanted to eat something other than Kihyun’s typical dishes, as delicious as they were. The brunet had rolled his eyes and kicked the blond before following up with studying new dishes. Just for the idiot whom he was so madly in love with.

Kihyun was measuring out sugar and he nearly dropped the tablespoon, clicking his tongue in irritation when he spilled a little too much sugar into the bowl, “No.”

“Engaged, then?”

The brunet paused, giving up on saving the dish from its sugary fate and he raised his eyes to look at the blond, “Yes, I’m engaged. Why are you asking?”

Hoseok gestured to the silver ring on Kihyun’s hand——he’d forgotten it was there, “That’s a gorgeous ring. I just noticed that it was on your ring finger, so I was curious. I’d get something like that for someone...”

 _You got it for me_ , Kihyun thought, bitterly.

“But, to whom? I’ve never seen you with anyone else, but me and... well, me.”

This was the part where he was probably supposed to burst into tears, fall to his knees looking absolutely pitiful and _shout_ at Hoseok through burning tears: _plead_ for him to remember, because it hurt more than a million knives repeatedly stabbing into him.

“Funny he never told you,” Kihyun managed, through a weak smile, “You know him better than anyone.”

But, throughout the rest of the night, Kihyun avoided Hoseok’s curious eyes and every single question about his engagement.

 

 

 

The dial tone rang through his ears for much too long at three in the morning, when he called his best friend, five beers in and close to drunk out of his mind. It didn’t stop the tears from flowing, and he was too out of it to take into consideration that Hoseok might be able to hear him from their bedroom. He was sitting in their kitchen and the bottles and cans are scattered across the floor——he hardly cared anymore.

 _“Hello?”_ came Changkyun’s voice once the call connected. And it was answered with a sniffle and a drunken slur of a greeting. Changkyun’s concern was obvious even through the call and Kihyun pitied himself for getting to such a state——where everyone looked at him with the same expression. He couldn’t see his best friend’s face, but he wouldn’t bet on it being any different.

“He asked me _who_ I’m engaged to, Kyun,” Kihyun sobbed, after several minutes of the younger man trying to calm Kihyun to a state of coherent speech.

Changkyun’s comfort isn’t the best, but it’s something for the brunet to hold onto whilst everything around him was falling apart. And Kihyun didn’t cry easily, yet this mercilessly tore him to little pieces.

 _“You’re going to kill yourself with how much you’ve been drinking lately,”_ Changkyun scolded and Kihyun bit back his sniffles, rubbing his eyes with his wrists and streaking red marks across his visage.

“That's kind of the point,” Kihyun bit out and Changkyun responded with intoning his name in a warning tone. The brunet sighed.

“I just can’t believe that this is all happening,” he choked, “We were so perfect. Everything was so perfect and now, it’s like this. He doesn’t know who I am; he doesn’t remember falling in love with me and he’s so head over heels for someone who tore him apart——it’s like I’m meeting him for the first time all over again, except back then, it didn’t hurt to look at him.”

 _“Five years,”_ Changkyun told him, _“There has to be_ something _that will trigger his memory, Kihyun. There just_ has _to be, because you’re not the only one who’s losing Hoseok, here.”_

And Kihyun knew what he meant. If Hoseok only remembered Minhyuk, then they were breaking an entire friend circle: Hyungwon, from the coffee shop; Changkyun, Kihyun's best friend (and the other half of a blooming romance with Hyungwon); and precious Jooheon, who diligently worked alongside Hoseok, whom both Hoseok and Kihyun had mutually decided to hypothetically adopt. There were the five of them and Hoseok held them together like glue, because every single one of them was so vital to the circle that they were off without one another. _What would they do without him?_

Kihyun hated the way everything weighed down on him like it was his responsibility to bring back the Hoseok they knew. He knew Changkyun didn’t expect that of him; didn’t think of him as a failure, but when he was this drunk and this depressed——he wasn’t sure what else he was to think of himself.

“I know,” he exhaled. “I just don't know what it could be.”

He was sobering up too quickly for his own liking and he popped the cap off another bottle of beer before chugging half of it. Changkyun was talking again, but Kihyun didn't hear him. He wasn't paying enough attention, because he was lost in his own thoughts, again.

 _“I'll come visit, soon,”_ he heard Changkyun say and Kihyun laughed, the sound almost miserable.

“You always say that.”

 

 

 

Even after he hung up, because Changkyun had to leave for a business dinner, Kihyun curled into a ball on the sofa and let his tears burn down his cheeks as if they belonged there. And from the past weeks, he's sure they had to have been. He was stuck wondering where all the tears came from, when every single time a tear fell, he would cry himself dry. But they're never-ending, alike to the pain which followed every single heartbeat.

There was a sudden shadow looming over him; a presence in the room and Kihyun quickly wiped his tears away, eyes darting to the clock. _5:21AM_. The brunet turned his head away from the doorway and absently played with one of the empty cans of beer.

“Are you okay?” Hoseok's voice came. Kihyun turned to eye him, because there wasn't a chance that Hoseok really thought he could be okay, right now; “Don't look at me like that, I'm trying to be helpful.”

Kihyun rubbed his eyes and inhaled, “I'm fine,” he lied.

“You're a terrible liar, you know,” Hoseok told him, pushing his way onto the sofa next to Kihyun. It's the persistence that Kihyun fell in love with showing itself and the brunet bit down on his lower lip. “You don't have to tell me what's wrong, if you don't want to, but I'll be your shoulder to cry on if you need one.”

And from there, it's fresh tears and he soaked the sleeve of Hoseok's shirt as the older man gently held him in his arms. They don't talk, but Kihyun's cries resounded loudly enough in the room for something to jolt through Hoseok's mind, because when Kihyun has nearly cried himself to sleep——too sleepy, exhausted and intoxicated to let anything said to him sink in——Hoseok brushed a strand of Kihyun's hair behind his ear.

“You told me you wanted me to tell you, every time I remember something new,” he said, as Kihyun was drifting off to sleep, leaning against Hoseok's shoulder, “I think I remember meeting you for the first time... in an alleyway. And I was hurt... but, it might have just been a dream.”

Hoseok looked down, expecting a response, but Kihyun was already snoring softly, “Oh. He's asleep...” he murmured to himself.

They fall asleep like that: Kihyun leaning against Hoseok, comfortably nuzzled into his arms and Hoseok leaned against the sofa, arms around the younger man. And _that_ feels like nothing had changed at all.

 

 

 

Kihyun burned with jealousy and rage every single time Hoseok had Minhyuk over. And it seemed that was often: Kihyun hated the idea of _that man_ in their home, but he couldn't bring himself to say a word. And he's foolish enough to just stand and watch and _hope_ for things to get better. Because as far as he knew, this was something uncontrollable.

He never was home to see Minhyuk and Hoseok together. He left early on days when he knew that the nurse was coming over and he camped out at a friend's place or stayed at work the entire day.

He needed to _breathe_ , and it was always too hard to breathe when his eyes caught glimpse of everything he despised. Perhaps, he refused to give up because of everything he promised when Hoseok put a ring on his finger, though it may be irrelevant to a man who didn't remember.

But, Yoo Kihyun promised himself to that man and he couldn't go back on his word.

His heart, no matter how broken, wouldn't ever let him.

Kihyun found his solace a week and a half after the first time Minhyuk made his way into their shared apartment: Changkyun had come back to Seoul, temporarily and Kihyun felt bad for himself being the only reason, as much as Changkyun denied it. Yet, he found himself in the younger man's apartment more often; crying into his arms about how much it hurt to watch everything unfolding before him.

He spent almost every waking hour with the younger man.

“He hasn't moved out yet,” Changkyun pointed out, as if it was supposed to make Kihyun feel better. It doesn't, but there's a miserable laugh that lightens their spirits a little, for some odd reason.

“I pray he never does,” Kihyun murmured.

“I firmly believe Hoseok, whether he remembers anything or not, is smart enough to know that he should stay with you,” Changkyun said and Kihyun sighed.

Dark eyes raised to meet with Changkyun's eyes, “He doesn't love me anymore. It's not like it used to be.”

“His mind doesn't love you,” the younger corrected, “I still stand to believe that you're soulmates and his heart and soul still love you.”

Kihyun smothered his best friend with the cushion and groaned, but there's a small smile at the corners of his lips despite his tear-stained visage, because he's hoping Changkyun is right.

_Praying that Changkyun is right._

 

 

 

A month later, it’s snowing outside. December doesn’t feel like it’s as cold as Kihyun’s bedside——he spent his birthday with Changkyun, before the younger man returned to America, for once not in tears; simply because Changkyun pleaded that he forget about Hoseok for a night. And that’s all he could manage. A single night.

He missed them, but there were things that hit breaking points, and then it didn’t really matter anymore. It had been two months since the accident and Hoseok showed such little signs of remembering anything. Slowly, slowly Kihyun was losing faith in the hope that he might ever. But, it wasn’t as if he could let go of Hoseok.

You fall in love _this_ hard once in your life and Kihyun firmly believed this was his _one chance_ at forever and a day.

But, everything slipped from between his fingers too quickly and he could hardly comprehend everything. Two months and every wound hurt like they were fresh. Every single time his eyes ran across Hoseok’s visage, it broke him to little pieces to know that the man standing in front him was only a vessel of who he used to be.

Kihyun had never been a very big fan of dramatic romantic movies, but he couldn’t help but think that his life was treading on something much too similar to a romantic tragedy. Some angst that a teenager might cry over a few times, before forgetting about. It left him in awe——the fact that you realize how much you love someone once they’re gone.

Hoseok was still there, but at the same time, he wasn’t.

Yet, Kihyun loved him all the same.

Snowflakes fell against the window of their apartment and stayed in position, before melting away and Kihyun exhaled softly against the glass, before dragging his finger across the fogged glass——he’s writing their names on the glass, simply because they used to do it every single year, during the first snowfall. He still can’t let go of their traditions, because of the thousands of _what ifs_ about Hoseok having his memory triggered by the smallest things.

It’s entirely too hopeful of a way of thinking, but Kihyun couldn’t give up on this.

He just couldn’t.

“Do you put the caramel on the whipped cream?” Hoseok’s voice came from behind him, and Kihyun jolted in surprise, his finger messing up a stroke on the glass.

From his position buried in the blankets, because it was cold, Kihyun nodded, “Yeah, isn’t that common sense?”

“I just wanted to start a conversation with you,” Hoseok answered, bringing the two mugs of hot chocolate over to Kihyun. The steam from the chocolate was melting the whipped cream, but Kihyun didn’t mind.

“That’s not a conversation that goes very far,” Kihyun told him, taking the mug from Hoseok’s hands.

“That’s okay,” the blond told him with a cheeky smile, “It’s enough to hear your voice.”

There’s a flush of colour on Kihyun’s cheeks and he kicked at the older man from under the blankets (because he lets his guard down for long enough for his heart to flutter at the comment) and Hoseok laughed, plopping into the seat next to Kihyun; “Are you flirting with me?”

“Maybe,” Hoseok answered, grinning and Kihyun forgets for a moment that _this Hoseok_ thought he was a taken man. And he’s pretty sure that just for a moment, Hoseok forgets that Kihyun is engaged to someone completely unknown, “It just feels really natural to say really sappy things to you.”

Kihyun scoffed and took a sip of his hot chocolate, flinching when it nearly burned his tongue, “Natural?”

“Yeah,” he said, “It’s one of the missing pieces of this mental puzzle that I’m working on. You seem so familiar to me, but I don’t know why and my mind reminds me of little things when I see you, but I don’t understand them. I guess, I’m trying to work it all out, but you were probably someone really important to me, but I just don’t remember and I feel bad about that, you know?”

Kihyun hadn’t even realized that he was tearing up as he listened to the words and he hated the fact that he was so emotionally sensitive, lately. But, the tears burn down his cheeks, feeling too familiar for him to even react to them anymore. He doesn’t react, but Hoseok does.

“Shit, why are you crying? What did I say wrong? Don’t cry.” Hoseok mumbled, placing his mug down and his fingers move to brush the tears away from Kihyun’s eyes.

He’s so close and Kihyun’s shattered heart was beating so loudly in his chest and he inhaled softly; Hoseok smells like a soft musk, the sweetness of chocolate and everything distinctively _Hoseok_ that Kihyun missed so dearly.

“I just want you to remember,” Kihyun whispered, tone pained and his hands gently placed themselves onto Hoseok’s cheeks and his eyes are desperate. “It hurts, Hoseok...”

There’s a light of regret in Hoseok’s eyes and a hand placed itself over Kihyun’s hand, “I’m sorry that I can’t remember.”

It doesn’t make Kihyun feel any better.

Pulling his hands away, Kihyun held his breath and got up from his seat.

“I’m going to go to bed, first...” he murmured, wiping his tears away and not looking at the blond in the eye. He couldn’t.

He left his drink to turn to a depressing mess of whipped cream and lukewarm sugar.

 

 

 

On their second year anniversary, Hoseok had gifted Kihyun with a sappy scrapbook with nearly three hundred different Polaroid snapshots pasted into the pages with little notes. He’d told Kihyun to only open it once, when it was gifted to him and then again when he missed him, dearly. It’d been with the hope that Kihyun wouldn’t ever need to open the book ever again, but on a cold December morning when he sat home alone, Kihyun found himself searching the apartment for the scrapbook.

At this point, he was just desperate to have _them_ back.

He was sick of being a missing memory.

It ached.

But, he was too in love to let it go and coping with all made every waking second hard to breathe in.

Nearly four years later, Kihyun found himself opening the album again. It had collected dust from sitting in the back of the closet and Kihyun curled up on the bed, flipping through the photobook.

It was Hoseok's turn to sleep on the sofa.

The first photo is of Hoseok kissing Kihyun's cheek with a mischievous expression and it's dated 2011 as their third official date. The caption beside the photo is a list of compliments on how adorable Kihyun had looked during the entire day spent with Hoseok. His heart fluttered at the memory.

The second photo is a candid shot of Kihyun asleep on his textbook and it's dated 2008; the caption talks about their first meeting and how much Kihyun sucked at studying. There's a small smile on the brunet’s face as he let himself reminisce everything as it was. Because this was a piece of Hoseok that wouldn't ever disappear.

Somewhere in the photobook, there's photos of them holding hands and there's a photo of them kissing; Kihyun asleep with Hoseok's fingers in his hair; a photo of the sunset and a poem about their love; Kihyun's cheeks flushed as he unwrapped a Christmas gift; a photo of the day Kihyun finally opened his coffee shop; each photo is dated and tagged with a sweet message.

And at this point, the way sweet memories make him feel numb is a lot better than the way looking at Hoseok rips pain through him.

He left the photobook on the nightstand and curled up in the sheets.

He’d put it away tomorrow, after he found sweeter dreams.

 

 

 

Needless to say, all the cliché stories come true when Hoseok walked into the bedroom the next morning, Kihyun still asleep, to search for an outfit for the day. Distracted, he caught glimpse of the photobook on the nightstand and his curiosity got the better of him. It looked familiar enough, and Hoseok couldn't help curious fingers from flipping the pages.

He's lucky that Kihyun showed no signs of awakening, but the further he flipped, the more confused his mind seemed to get. The writing on the pages were obviously his, but the photos of himself being so intimate with his _roommate_ triggered confusion in his mind.

He couldn't grasp the concept of everything.

A part of his memory was missing as he's been told a thousand times, whether by acquaintances or by a tearful Kihyun himself.

There were photos of him kissing Kihyun and them holding hands. Hoseok's brows furrowed and suddenly, his head began to hurt.

The dates traced back to a year he was sure he had still been dating Minhyuk.

But, the notes spoke of Kihyun being his one and only.

Undoubtedly, he had written the words on the page. That was his writing and exactly how he would phrase something. The blond pressed his fingertips to his temples as the ache began to worsen.

Kihyun shifted in the bed beside him and Hoseok froze, quickly leaving the room with a mind filled with confusion.

_He didn't understand any of this._

 

 

 

A week and a half later, Hoseok had Minhyuk with his back pressed against the sheets and they're kissing; rough and desperate. They're disheveled from the mess they've started, but when Minhyuk's slender fingers run down Hoseok's toned body and rubbed him through his pants, the blond froze.

“What's wrong, babe?” Minhyuk questioned, breathlessly.

There was a force pulling him away from the younger man and he couldn't put his finger on it. It ruined the mood completely, when Hoseok hesitated a little too long and Minhyuk sat up.

“I can't,” Hoseok answered, not really sure why his mouth had decided to move on its own.

He wanted to touch, but it felt so wrong and he didn't know why. This was his boyfriend, but he couldn't grasp onto the mixed feelings in his gut.

“What do you mean you can't?” Minhyuk narrowed his eyes at Hoseok and the blond froze.

He hardly knew the answer himself, “I... I think we're moving too fast. I think I should go home.”

With that, he scrambled off of the younger and quickly dressed himself. Confused and alone, Minhyuk stared after his retreating back as he left the apartment.

 

 

 

“Kihyun,” Hoseok called as soon as he stepped into the safety of their apartment.

“In the kitchen,” Kihyun called back and Hoseok's quick footsteps made his way to the kitchen. His body moved on its own accord and everything which followed only seemed natural; he leaned his front against Kihyun's back as the younger man cut up a bunch of fruits, exhaling softly. “What's up? Why do you seem so down?”

“Let's drink,” he proposed. The brunet raised an eyebrow.

“... now, you're obligated to tell me what's wrong,” Kihyun answered, shaking himself out of the warmth of Hoseok's arms and reaching over to the cabinet of wines and hard liquor.

Hoseok sighed, “I'll tell you when I'm drunk enough to tell you.”

True to his words, Hoseok does tell Kihyun _everything_ when he was six shots into the bottle of vodka and two into the rum. Kihyun wasn't exactly sober enough to remember that they would both be suffering ridiculous hangovers the next morning.

He's gone far enough to play a drinking game with himself and took a shot with every time Hoseok mentioned Minhyuk's name. He's taken seven shots on that alone.

Hoseok isn't even half as drunk as he was, when the blond admitted to almost getting laid, but chickening out last minute because of some unknown force. A drunken Kihyun could hardly hide his relief, but Hoseok didn't quite get it.

It's around midnight and Hoseok ignored the beeping from his cellphone, because Kihyun was sitting in his lap on the sofa and their faces are so close to one another. He could feel Kihyun's breath fanning across his lips and he reeks of alcohol, but they both do.

He isn't quite in his right mind, but he knows he'll remember this tomorrow morning. Yet, nothing really pushed him away from Yoo Kihyun in the same way that he seemed so repulsed from Minhyuk.

It's strange.

He remembered the photo book, but just as he was about to ask a question, Kihyun started to speak.

“Hoseok,” Kihyun exhaled and there's something special about the way Kihyun said his name. Maybe, he was just drunk but there was an affectionate curl around the syllables of his name and it simply felt _safe_.

“Mm?”

And if there's ever a good time to spill out every single word on your mind, it was undoubtedly the second that you were drunk out of your mind with the assurance that you couldn't ever recall the night, once morning rose. Kihyun desperately held onto that hope and Hoseok.

“Hoseok, I'm sorry,” Kihyun whispered and that struck confusion in the taller man. Strong arms wrapped themselves tighter around the younger man and Hoseok furrowed his eyebrows, straining to understand. “I'm sorry we fought and I'm sorry I let you leave like that. Do you know how much I regret that one day? Do you know how much it hurts knowing that you're like this because of something I said? I just want you back...”

There was an urge to place a hand on Kihyun's cheek and whisper affectionate nothings into his ear; tell him that everything was going to be okay. Hoseok isn't sure why.

“You,” Kihyun paused, choking back another wave of tears, “I want you back. All you did was treat me like I meant the world to you, and I fucked up. God, Hoseok, if I could turn back time, I would. Anything to have you back. I love you so much, I love you more than anything; it hurts so much to see you with _him_. You made me feel like nothing else in this world mattered, except us and I want that back. I want you back.”

“You love me...” Hoseok repeated, drunken haze still clouding his mind. But, Kihyun was a hundred times more intoxicated than he was.

“You're drunk; there's no way either of us are going to remember this, tomorrow. But, I wish you remembered,” Kihyun murmured. “I wish you could remember us.”

Hoseok doesn't resist the urge to press their lips together.

And he doesn't even know why he does it.

But, this felt right.

(And a drunken Kihyun lets his guard down for long enough to let delusional hopes rise higher. But, hope is the sole parent to disappointment and he knows that everything was going to break him to pieces again.

Still, he lets himself play the fool for Hoseok, because after everything: he's still so stupidly in love.)

 

 

 

He remembered the previous night, when he woke up with a pounding headache and his lips still tingling from when they pressed softly against Kihyun's. Familiarity was everywhere with Kihyun, but his memories served him with nothing that he could really grasp firmly.

But, what he remembered, he needed to tell Minhyuk.

Simply because he couldn't keep such things a secret, because that would be wrong. The truth came out, sooner or later. And he knew Minhyuk as understanding and sweet. He was drunk and there were detriments with being so inebriated, he reasoned with himself.

His memory proved that he couldn't be any more wrong.

Minhyuk took no bullshit.

Eyes flaming, the younger man practically hissed at him, “You kissed him?”

And suddenly, this felt like a mistake. This anger seemed so familiar to him and Hoseok suddenly felt frightened. _Of Minhyuk._

There are a thousand images flashing through his head: what seemed like a flickering slideshow of a thousand different times he had felt this same terror. All inflicted on him by the same man who stood before him at this very moment.

It's a landslide of infinite horror crashing down onto him and he's shocked into a loss of words for several moments.

“I was drunk, Minhyuk,” Hoseok argued, “I know that doesn't make it any better, but I'm just trying to be honest with you!”

“I tolerate the fact that you _live_ with that _bitch_ and you go and kiss him behind my back?” Minhyuk pressed, anger seething through every syllable of his words. _“How dare you?”_

There's something that didn't sit well with him at all as Minhyuk called Kihyun names; “Behind your back would be not telling you at all!”

Things pile up with one another and they're yelling louder and louder; it's barely even noon and they're shouting so loudly that Hoseok was getting lightheaded.

It escalated with every word; all too quickly things get physical. They're pushing and shoving; yelling and screaming and the last thing Hoseok remembers before he blacked out is Minhyuk pushing him roughly into a wall and a sharp pain striking the back of his head.

And then nothing.

 

 

 

Agony flooded Kihyun’s mind the second time he received a call from the hospital. His head still pounded with a hangover that he couldn't seem to cure and the shrill sound of his cellphone had nearly blasted his eardrums apart.

They meet again at the hospital: Kihyun and Minhyuk.

The taller man had always been the type to play victim after the fact and Kihyun is disgusted that he had the nerves to call himself a nurse. Nurses helped people, but Kihyun has only seen Minhyuk selfishly do things for his own benefit and there was nothing he hated more than that.

Bitter minds sharpen cold tongues and Kihyun glared at the other man after a quick rundown of events with Hyunwoo; recent acquaintance with a doctor was hardly what he had wanted nor expected.

“I can't fucking believe you,” Kihyun spat.

Minhyuk could hardly keep himself composed as he glared back at the brunet, “You're just bitter that you lost him to me.”

Kihyun bared his teeth at the mention and he balled his hands into fists; maybe he would punch Minhyuk in his pretty face, this time. “I'd never fucking hit him. But, I'll gladly hit you.”

“Try me,” Minhyuk snarled and Kihyun doesn't hold back. He took the bait in stride and the impact of his fist to the pretty man's visage feels so good. It was years of pent up urges released in a single strike (in the middle of a hospital; Kihyun's more rational conscious would scold him for it).

Gritting his teeth, the brunet nearly growled his next words: “You're unbelievable. You treat him like a prize and then you hurt him. I could have lived with it if you treated him like a normal human being, but _you're just not capable of that, are you, Lee Minhyuk?_ News flash: Shin Hoseok isn't a prize. Nor is he your damn punching bag. He's a person. He's the love of my life. And you hurt him a thousand times over, both physically and mentally; that's something I can never forgive.”

“Fuck you,” Minhyuk hissed, hand gingerly tending to the forming bruise on his face.

But, he knows he’s won when there’s nothing that the other man could say aside from spitting meaningless profanity.

Kihyun could hardly capture where everything burning through his veins was coming from, but he seethed with anger and _everything_ blanked out of his mind. For that moment, nothing mattered aside from the second he could see Hoseok open his eyes again.

“Do _not_ ever touch him again.”

Because there's nothing that could hurt more than losing someone, twice.

_And potentially, forever._

 

 

 

The hospital admitted a single visitor at a time, but according to the sign-in sheet outside of Hoseok's room, Kihyun had been the only one to visit him. Between his long hours of work, there was nothing he prioritized over Shin Hoseok. The coffee shop was more popular in the winter; peppermint lattes being made every few minutes and Kihyun’s hands were tired by the end of the day, but never too tired to affectionately run through the blond locks of his motionless lover.

According to the doctor's report, there must have been some other source of stress to Hoseok's mind before he had fallen and faced a blow to the back of his head, because he’d been out for much longer than expected of an injury of that caliber.

Kihyun’s hopes returned to watching the beeping monitor to Hoseok's side, tracing his heartbeat. He can't cry anymore, but his heart stayed numb as he watched for any sign of motion from the older man.

Most nights had Kihyun falling asleep next to Hoseok until he was kicked out of the hospital and mornings would demand that he head back to work. Hyungwon forced him into the back kitchen, insisting that he couldn't let their customers see a zombie serving them. It lightens the mood in the slightest.

But, he doesn't miss a single day of visiting Hoseok. Every single free hour of his waking life was spent by the older man's side and he doesn't _care_ what anyone else told him, because Shin Hoseok was the love of his life and Yoo Kihyun never knew when to give up.

So, with a heavy heart, every single passing day for an entire week became a constant, tiresome and relentless pattern.

 

 

 

A week and two days: that's how long it took for Hoseok to awaken. The sun shone bright streaks of light into the room and the clock had barely struck eleven in the morning. Kihyun was at work, but there was a visitor in his room. Drowsy, the blond’s eyes searched the blank room with question before his eyes landed on the man seated across from him.

“What are you doing here?” Hoseok inquired, voice rough and there's a pleasant smile from the other.

“Visiting you, of course. I was so worried about when you would wake up, Hoseok. You worried me so much,” Minhyuk exclaimed, leaning over to grasp onto Hoseok’s hands.

The blond shook away from the touch and narrowed his eyes at Minhyuk, “Where's Kihyun?”

“Kihyun? Who's that?” Minhyuk feigned the innocence.

“Where is Kihyun?” he pressed. “My boyfriend. My _fiancé_.”

And the air changed completely in the hospital room. Minhyuk crossed his arms over his chest, expression far from pleased and he grit his teeth. “You're asking about someone who gave up on you. He left, Hoseok. He isn't coming back. You have me.”

“I don't _want_ you,” Hoseok growled, “Kihyun would _never_ leave me. _I know him._ Tell me where he is.”

Kihyun would never leave him, but Minhyuk gave up quickly. That was the contrasting point between the two of them. With a dirty look, Minhyuk scoffed and got up from his seat, “I don’t know where your little plaything is.”

And those were the only spoken words before Hoseok was left alone in the room, strapped to machinery.

With all of his memories rushing to his head——from the fight with Kihyun to the very second Minhyuk struck him and he fell backwards; it all rushed back to him at the speed of light. The sensation was overwhelming and Hoseok had to close his eyes as images flashed before him and his head pounded with a rush of words, almost incomprehensible.

Stumbling out of the hospital bed, the blond trudged his way to the hall, just barely stumbling from having not moved in over a week. A nurse who happened to be patrolling the halls quickly rushed to him in a panic.

“Sir! You’re not allowed to leave the room,” she scolded and Hoseok shook his head.

“I’m fine,” he grumbled, shaking her off. She’s insistent.

The nurse ushered him back into the hospital room and Hoseok only sat still when she promised to bring back his belongings, when she came with the doctor for all of his check-ups——the usual process on a patient who had just woken up from a short-term coma. True to her words, she brought the doctor back with her and his jacket as well as his beloved cell phone with her.

But, until the stubborn blond followed through with his checkup, she held onto the items.

“Seems fine,” was Hyunwoo’s final predicament after the check-up, before he rushed out of the room to attend to a different patient. Hoseok tilted his head haughtily at the nurse——as if telling her _‘I told you I was fine’_. She bit back a laugh at his behaviour, after handing back the twenty-six year old’s belongings.

“Can I leave yet?” Hoseok asked her and she pursed her lips, looking at the doctor’s retreating back.

“We’re going to have to call your emergency contact,” she started, slowly and Hoseok looked at her, hopefully.

“Kihyun? Can I call him? Let me call him.”

He needed to see his fiancé, or at least hear his voice as soon as possible.

The nurse let him dial Kihyun’s cell phone, but there wasn’t an answer. Three calls and all of them are directed to voicemail. It struck the blond with a sense of worry. _Where was he?_

Eyeing the nurse, after the fifth call, Hoseok pretended to converse with someone on the other line before quickly hanging up, before she could grab the phone and speak for him. With a cheeky smile, the blond looked up at her, “He’s at work, so he said I can go home alone and he’ll meet me there.”

The nurse showed not a single sign of believing him, but sighed, signing him off in the papers and handing it to him to sign.

Hoseok quickly scribbled his name onto the papers before grabbing his things and rushing out of the hospital doors, the frigid air biting at his skin. It was too cold to be outside with such a thin jacket, but the blond only had his mind set on finding Kihyun.

Fingers nearly frozen, he quickly typed a text message to the love of his life——holding his breath and hoping for the best.

_‘Kihyun, meet me where we had our first date.’_

 

 

 

Kihyun’s phone buzzed from inside his bag, on the table, but the brunet sat a few feet away from it with his head rested on the table, nodding off. He’d been lacking the sleep he needed and the dark circles under his eyes were getting worse. Hyungwon was peaking in his concern for the older man and there was hardly a second where the younger didn’t hound Kihyun to ensure that he hadn’t passed out——if only because Changkyun asked him to.

Knocking his fingers against the counter, Hyungwon eyed the busy customers in the shop before he nudged Kihyun violently, after the sixth vibration of his phone. Slowly, it was getting on the assistant manager’s nerves.

“Answer your phone,” he told him, when Kihyun jolted from his slumber, rubbing his eyes as if he hadn’t even noticed that he’d fallen asleep. “It’s been going on non-stop for the past five minutes.”

Exhausted, Kihyun reached for the device, glancing at the screen, sleepily.

 _It’s a text from Hoseok._ The brunet had to rub his eyes to ensure that he wasn’t dreaming, before he opened the text and he sat frozen in spot. Hyungwon seemed to notice the sudden change and he raised an eyebrow, turning to look at the older man.

“You look like you’ve either seen a ghost, or won the lottery,” Hyungwon remarked and Kihyun rapidly shook his head.

“No,” he breathed, “This is even better. Cover the rest of the day for me, will you? Thanks, you’re the best!”

He didn’t wait for a response, before he untied his apron and threw it at the taller man, rushing out of the shop——hardly even pulling his jacket onto himself properly.

His heart raced in his chest as heavy footsteps made their way down the paved sidewalk of the street, the wind brushing through his hair and the cold air kissing his cheeks a bright red colour. Their first date was cliché; Hoseok was crazy to instruct him to head to the seaside in the middle of winter, but Kihyun doesn’t _care._

Hoseok’s silhouette came into his view and he’s breathing hard——hadn’t even realized that he’d been running so quickly. His heart beat faster and harder than every single breath he took and it’s when he stepped into Hoseok’s open arms do fresh tears begin to streak down his cheeks.

This time, filled with relief and an infinity worth of happiness.

“I’m so sorry, Kihyun,” Hoseok whispered into his hair, pulling him into his broad chest and there’s nothing Kihyun loved more than feeling _at home_ in the arms of the love of his life. _In Hoseok’s arms._

“I hate you,” Kihyun breathed through gasps for air and his tears are hot on his cheeks, though it’s so cold outside.

“And I love you more than anything in the world,” the blond answered, gently running his fingers through Kihyun’s hair. “Tell me you don’t hate me enough to break off our engagement, beautiful.”

Kihyun _hated_ the fact that Hoseok could still make jokes in times like this, but it isn’t a belated realization that he _loved_ him for the same reasons. So, with tear filled eyes, the brunet smacked Hoseok’s chest weakly; “I could never.”

And he leaned up to press to lips against Hoseok’s before the blond could say another word—— _it feels like his entire world was complete again._

There are so many things that are temporary in life and Kihyun learned the hard way. But, if he’s sure about anything at all, it’s that the past five years he’s spent with Shin Hoseok are the most _real, raw emotions_ he’s ever felt in his life——and he’d try to make them work a thousand times over; he’d never give up on _them_. Ever.

Because, when you love someone this deeply, there’s nothing that could tear you apart from them.

No matter how unrealistic; no matter how ridiculous.

And maybe that’s the perks of being made for one another.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm soft for Kiho, so I had to give them a happy ending (if only to match the fact that Novocaine had a happy ending). I'd be a billionaire if I had a dollar for every time Kihyun cried in this work. Please love me, I didn't think I could write this much.
> 
> And as always, find me on [Twitter](http://twitter.com/yuseokki/) for a plethora of reasons.


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